Things you should not lift if you want to look like Madonna

February 11th, 2009  |  Published in Stumpblog  |  11 Comments

According to Madonna’s trainer Tracy Anderson, a woman should never lift more than three-pound weights. “Most gym programs overwork major muscle groups,” she said. “Repetition builds and bulks muscles.”

In order to prevent all of you lovelies from this horrible fate I have compiled the following list of Things You Should Not Lift if You Want To Look Like Madonna:

1. Your child. Just put some money away for therapy later.

2. Actually, that includes any fetus older than 7 months. Girls, you do NOT want that uterus getting all bulky.

3. Your groceries. I strongly recommend you separate 5-lb bags of potatoes into individual taters, just to be safe. It’ll take you a long time to walk to the parking lot, but hey, think of the thin thighs!

4. Your laptop plus a Starbucks venti latte. Pick one or the other.

5. Any piece of furniture. That’s why a man should push your chair in when dining. Good luck getting out, though. Pee before dinner.

6. A shovel full of snow. Call your boss and tell her you’ll come back to work in April.

7. A backpack full of books. Nobody asks out smart girls anyway.

8. The Sunday Guardian. See #7.

9. A full sized Thanksgiving turkey. Don’t believe me? Look at that grandma in the Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving painting! She doesn’t look like Madonna does she?

10. Your own internal organs. Did you know an average stomach can hold up to 2 L? That’s 2 kilos of weight, or just about 5 lbs. Uh uh uh… best to leave that empty.

11. The giant load of BS that says women should not lift anything heavy! Why weren’t we just born with tiny T-Rex arms then?!

Responses

  1. gingembre says:

    February 11th, 2009at 7:46 pm(#)

    Funnily enough, when I read that article I was thinking of “you” (well, your site!) but you put it together funnier than I ever could LOL. There *I* was just thinking “Sure, if you have hours and hours a day to dedicate to it, ANYTHING will work…”

  2. Maria says:

    February 11th, 2009at 8:33 pm(#)

    I love it! It is so funny. And these are the people women will listen too..unbelievable. Love, absolutely love your response.

  3. Eriko says:

    February 11th, 2009at 10:27 pm(#)

    This will make it SOOOOO hard to put milk in my coffee in the morning. I guess I’d better have my Hubs pour the milk in to a light weight cow creamer for me…. so I don’t have to lift a whole gallon of milk. (8.6 lbs)
    *snicker* Now, who’s going to carry the 80+lbs of dog food in the house every few weeks? Or worse yet, move 2 80+lb dogs off the bed when I want to sleep?
    …..now returning to my apparently alternate Universe where women are strong and men love that about them…..

  4. Stine says:

    February 13th, 2009at 7:57 am(#)

    …who want’s to look like Madonna anyway?

    :-)

    I’d rather be lifting free weights!

  5. Jean says:

    February 13th, 2009at 1:02 pm(#)

    Has Tracy taken a good look at the Material Girl lately? I hope the shroud doesn’t weigh more than 3 lbs!

    http://roflrazzi.com/2009/02/09/celebrity-pictures-madonna-material-girl/

  6. Eve says:

    February 16th, 2009at 3:02 am(#)

    Tracy Anderson is doing the rounds in the UK tabloids as well. This is pure madness imo: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1135962/I-did-Madonnas-workout–nearly-killed-says-Ashley-Pearson.html

  7. Resistance, ur doing it… already « Or musings on the gym, with a dash of kink says:

    February 24th, 2009at 7:54 pm(#)

    [...] Stumptuous: Things you should not lift [...]

  8. Elizabeth says:

    April 30th, 2009at 1:58 pm(#)

    I can’t believe I’m the first person to think of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tr-R6h8-_WI

  9. Sharon from Penn State says:

    May 7th, 2009at 3:04 pm(#)

    I have read about Madonna’s exercise routine, and I have to ask: is three hours really necessary? And this is every day, with no rest days?

    My workout takes approx. 40 minutes. Tops!
    I guess some of us LIKE having a life.

  10. Zxyrthe says:

    July 7th, 2010at 9:12 am(#)

    I know this is an older post but I think this follow up is important.

    http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/Wellness/gwyneth-paltrows-diet-blame-bone-disease/story?id=11034632

    Read and weep.

  11. Mistress Krista says:

    July 7th, 2010at 11:06 am(#)

    @Zxyrthe woah! Thanks for that!


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