According to Madonna’s trainer Tracy Anderson, a woman should never lift more than three-pound weights. “Most gym programs overwork major muscle groups,” she said. “Repetition builds and bulks muscles.”
In order to prevent all of you lovelies from this horrible fate I have compiled the following list of Things You Should Not Lift if You Want To Look Like Madonna:
1. Your child. Just put some money away for therapy later.
2. Actually, that includes any fetus older than 7 months. Girls, you do NOT want that uterus getting all bulky.
3. Your groceries. I strongly recommend you separate 5-lb bags of potatoes into individual taters, just to be safe. It’ll take you a long time to walk to the parking lot, but hey, think of the thin thighs!
4. Your laptop plus a Starbucks venti latte. Pick one or the other.
5. Any piece of furniture. That’s why a man should push your chair in when dining. Good luck getting out, though. Pee before dinner.
6. A shovel full of snow. Call your boss and tell her you’ll come back to work in April.
7. A backpack full of books. Nobody asks out smart girls anyway.
8. The Sunday Guardian. See #7.
9. A full sized Thanksgiving turkey. Don’t believe me? Look at that grandma in the Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving painting! She doesn’t look like Madonna does she?
10. Your own internal organs. Did you know an average stomach can hold up to 2 L? That’s 2 kilos of weight, or just about 5 lbs. Uh uh uh… best to leave that empty.
11. The giant load of BS that says women should not lift anything heavy! Why weren’t we just born with tiny T-Rex arms then?!