stumptuous.com

For those of you living south of 60 degrees latitude (or not in Churchill, Manitoba), polar bears may look cute and friendly, like in the Coke commercials, but they most certainly are not. They are generally grumpy, hungry creatures who think people are basically upright cocktail weenies. If you think bears are cuddly pets, you’re probably the kind of person who would own a face-eating chimp. Why armchair quarterbacks suck, and why difficulty brings growth.

Hey! Apparently there is this thing called swine flu! And we are all going to die horribly from it! Instead of the Four Horsemen, the apocalypse will be wrought upon us by the Four Pigmen, who will arrive in a burst of porcine glory astride their mighty oinking and snuffling steeds!

Things I learned on my summer vacation: Oxygen is important. Colorado grandmothers make Marines look like crybabies. Also, eyeballs can explode. Cooool.

As the Animatronic robot sang to Bart Simpson, “You’re the birthday, you’re the birthday, you’re the birthday boy or girl.” My second birthday, competitive dishwasher unloading, and new opportunities for Hallmark.

I’ll get up in front of anyone to talk about anything. I can’t promise it will be interesting, relevant, or amusing, but hey, you get what you pay for. At least I’m up there and not losing sphincter control. So it was a rather interesting experience to find myself crying in front of an audience. And not just a nice little politician’s crocodile tear. I mean full-on, let ‘er rip, snorking complete with the DTs and PTSD. WTF?